The topic of boundaries has recently come up for me in conversations in multiple settings. That’s usually a hint for me to pay attention. Why do they even matter? They say good fences make for good neighbors. I’d expand that to say good boundaries make for good relationships. And good relationships feel a lot better than bad ones.
Where do you see boundaries?
- They are important in work environments to establish decision-making authority. It was a question I asked whenever I got a new manager: where do I have the freedom to act on my own, and what decisions do I need to come to you for?
- When my children were little, I tried very hard to be consistent in what they were and weren’t allowed to do. I felt it created less stress for them and for me when we all knew what was ok and what wasn’t. As a result, we didn’t spend our energy trying to negotiate the same things over and over again. (There was much less whining, too!)
- They are also fundamental for clear communication, regardless of the environment or situation. They provide the structure for what topics are in scope, how decisions are made, what the priorities are, and how people interact with each other.
Your boundaries
How do you know when a boundary has been crossed? There are probably a range of emotions or reactions that are clues. And everyone has to decide what works for them. But in general, I’d say that if someone’s behavior makes you feel disempowered, unappreciated, overwhelmed, unsafe, or otherwise stressed out, then they probably crossed a boundary.
But maybe they didn’t know. Maybe you never had that talk about what you needed in that relationship. Or maybe you did, but they forgot or ignored it. Just like it was my job to be consistent with my children, it’s your job to be consistent when maintaining your boundaries. Eventually most people will catch on.
What about their boundaries?
Of course, boundaries work both ways. How well do you honor other people’s? It can be very tempting to step in and give help or advice when it hasn’t been asked for. Especially when it’s someone you care about or a group effort that is important to you.
But what’s the message you’re sending? Are you saying you don’t think they can handle the situation? Or be successful with the task? That can really be a blow to their self-confidence. It definitely doesn’t help them feel empowered or appreciated.
Maybe there’s a bit of control freak coming out here? Or maybe it’s an ego boost for you to provide the solution? Regardless of the “why”, don’t they deserve to have their boundaries honored too?
Boundaries can be hard to communicate
When considering the boundaries of others, you can always just ask them. It’s sometimes harder to let others know about your own. Sometimes we don’t know what they are ourselves! So first, get clear with yourself what they are. Then start sharing them as needed.
Sometimes people have subconscious beliefs that make them feel like their boundaries and priorities aren’t as important as those of others. This might indicate that they feel “less than” other people, not “enough” in some way. That’s where I can help. Believing that you’re just as important and valuable as other people is a good first step. Schedule a call here and we can talk about it.
Leave a Reply